How am I Cause of the Conflict?

QUESTION
I have heard from experts that in order to resolve a relationship conflict, the first step is to view myself as the cause of the conflict. But why should I? It is a huge difficulty for the ego to admit this. Also the fear is that my admission of mistake will make the other person passive and not be ready to discuss the matter further. How to deal in such situations?

REPLY
Accepting ownership. When everyone involved in a conflict thinks that I am not responsible and the other person is the one who is responsible for this “mess” – who will take the first step to rectify the situation? Sadly no one does and after some time in a conflicting relationship – the ice sets in – and then it becomes almost impossible to repair the damage.

As long as I see someone else as the cause of a conflict, I am not interested in trying to rectify. Why should I? After all I am not the cause of the conflict at all! The “other person” is at fault and since it is his/ her fault, it is expected that he/ she should attempt to rectify the conflict.

In the expert advice (view yourself as the cause of the conflict), the emphasis is on accepting ownership of the attempt to rectify the conflict. When I view/ perceive (internally) that it is my fault, I make a genuine attempt to rectify the “mess.” I accept ownership for rectifying the mess that I am the cause of. The word “viewing” is more a connotation of a perspective and may not necessarily reflect the truth.

Dealing intelligently. In today’s times it is true that our goodness is many times exploited by others. So we may have to deal with the situation intelligently. Acceptance in heart may not necessarily be spoken by the tongue if it will be exploited by the other person but such a perspective will definitely spur us into action.

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